Three questions for the newly engaged: What I wish I had been asked
Background Photo by Brett Garwood on Unsplash
Hello my loyal readers! How are you doing on this day in May? For all my colleagues who work in higher education we are in countdown mode until the semester is finished. This school year has certainly been one to remember thanks to the pandemic, but I am sure many of us wouldn’t mind forgetting parts of it.
One thing I hope I never ever forget is the day I got engaged and got to say “YES” to the love of my life. In case you missed it you can read all about it in my “Dandie Proposal” post, as well as all things with my relationship I have posted on the blog throughout the past few years.
Today marks six months of my engagement and we are closing in on the one year mark from our wedding day in June of 2022. When we first got engaged I felt like seventeen months was way to long of an engagement, but it is going by so quick already.
When I first got engaged in November I wasn’t sure what to expect in terms of questions that people would ask. I knew it was important to have a summary of how the proposal happened, and an idea about when you may get married. However I quickly realized people wanted more specifics than the broad answers I had prepared when I walked back into the real world on Monday morning.
As word of our engagement got out, and we started seeing everyone in our family and social circles, there was one question that sent my anxiety over the edge in the early days of engagement. It was asked in multiple ways like..
Have you set a date?
When is the big day?
Have you picked a venue yet?
“It is such a simple question, but to an anxious person like myself it was far from simple. People were asking for specifics and I had nothing to give them and felt unprepared.”
I have struggled with anxiety since I was little. Typically it goes hand and hand with my depression symptoms, but my depression is certainly more common in my life. However, when I am feeling anxious it is on a whole different level for me. I have a hard time coping and managing daily stressors, getting enough sleep, and focusing on one thing at a time. I get chest pains and my breathing is shallow, stomachaches, and feel like the sky is literally falling.
During the early days of being engaged I was almost afraid to refer to my partner as my fiancé out loud or share my happy news. I didn’t want to be put on the spot and feel completely overwhelmed with the specific questions people would ask. I wanted to enjoy my engagement before jumping into wedding planning mode, at least for that first month. With all the questions I kept getting asked it made me start planning sooner than I wanted to on some levels.
“I don’t regret getting started on wedding planning and reaching out to venues within a week of my engagement. Looking back I wish I could have soaked it in just a little bit more and not feel like a bundle of anxious energy.”
Below I have provided three non-anxiety inducing questions that are great to ask a newly engaged person.
Non-Anxiety inducing questions to ask a newly engaged person:
1) How did he ask? I personally LOVED it when people asked this question. My partner put so much thought and work into planning the proposal and wanted his efforts to be celebrated. He literally planned it for almost three months with my closest friends. The week of my engagement I even asked him if he was still planning to ask that calendar year since we were nearing towards 2021. I enjoyed telling people how surprised I was, the fact we looked at engagement rings together earlier in the year, and how he drove three hours total just days before he asked. To me the proposal has always been what I have looked forward to, even more than a wedding. It is the day when everything changes.
2) Do you plan on having a typical wedding or something different? Weddings are super expensive, stressful, and it isn’t always feasible or wanted by every couple. Some couples choose not to have a wedding at all to save up for a house, which is something we greatly considered. Some choose to have an elopement type ceremony and a reception, or just the elopement. By asking if someone is having a wedding you open up the conversation to them saying “no” and sharing how they are planning to celebrate the new chapter in their lives. This helps them not feel shame if they are choosing not to have a typical wedding, and gives them the opportunity to share how they envision merging their lives.
3) What time of year or season are you thinking? This is a far better way to get some specific information without straight up asking about a specific date. Looking back this is more of the question I was prepared to answer, especially since we are still dealing with a worldwide pandemic. I could have explained how I have always wanted to be a “June Bride” after my love of watching the movie Seven Brides for Seven Brothers growing up. How spring and early summer is our favorite time of year. How we have so many dates we celebrate in the fall and winter, like our birthdays, that we wanted something mid-year to celebrate. It would have given the asker some specific information but not overwhelm the future bride with needing to have a specific date already locked in.
I hope that this post shared some light on better questions to ask a newly engaged person, or for any future brides who experienced major anxiety after their engagement like I did.
Weddings are a beautiful tribute to the bride and groom, and the life ahead of them as husband and wife. It is important that even amongst our excitement as family and friends, we need to be patient as the couple goes through the wedding planning waters.
Your friend,
