The Journey Home: 9 Month Reflection Part 3
My graduate school advisor, supervisor, and mentor has always talked about the importance of taking care of yourself in the field of work I am in. To take care of yourself meant that you were taking care of students, because you would then be able to give your best self to them. I never fully understood this concept until this past year. To me though it wasn’t just about being able to give my best self to students, but to my family, friends, co-workers, a significant other, and myself.
When I got and accepted my new job, I was determined to gain my life and best self back, or to finally uncover it. To create a life I love and to feel alive again in. To be a person I love, and to love others back completely.
To do this though you have to go through a lot of battles, challenges, and hardships to truly transform. You have to face the darkest parts of yourself, and either change them or accept them. Every setback and challenge last year and this year has given me an opportunity to grow as a person, and has pushed me towards the person I am today.
How is my Depression Now?
Now, I know the question everyone is probably asking and wondering is, “is my depression better? How is my life now?”
It is better in a sense of I don’t have near the physical or emotional symptoms of it. I don’t feel like I am choking, my hair isn’t falling out at a rapid rate, I am maintaining my weight, I am even able to sleep for 7 hours or more most nights of the week. I still have occasional insomniac nights but not nearly as much or as bad as it was. I don’t cry all the time, although I still have some occasional crying sessions. To me I think this is how I release emotions best, so instead of letting it pile up I cry it out if I feel the need to. These moments do not happen often but when they do I don’t fight to prevent them like I used to. I enjoy getting up every morning and going to work. I fix my hair everyday and wear my gel eyeliner again on a daily basis. I workout most days of the week, and as you have seen through the blog have even completed some 5K’s this year. I have dance parties in my living room, and I dance a lot in general. I sing in the car and in the shower. I laugh even when I am by myself, and make jokes all the time with my family and friends. My smile feels real and authentic, instead of forced or fake. I see color in trees, the sky, and in flowers again. I enjoy the taste of food. I find gratitude and joy in the little and simple things in life. Most importantly I feel alive on the inside and good overall. I told my mom almost two months ago how much more stable I feel mentally and emotionally compared to the beginning of the year.
I love my new job and my coworkers. It took me a minute to be open and warm up to them, because I really did miss my old office family, and of course I still do miss them at times. The office dynamics at my new job are different than my old office, but it isn’t a bad different. I still work with pretty awesome people! We laugh and joke a lot. We hangout after work, go for walks or dinner, and even run races on the weekend.
It was an incredibly hard choice to make, but ceasing the opportunity to be closer to my family and friends again was the best thing to do for me. With everything I was feeling and with everything I was going through, I knew I needed to be closer to the people who truly know, love, and accept me unconditionally. I needed to be near my support system because I didn’t feel strong on my own anymore, and I knew I was going to need to be near them to find my way back. I also realized that I wanted to be in the mountains again. I wanted to see the mountain views everyday.
The past twelve months have easily been the best and hardest of my life. I have gained a lot, but I have also lost as well.
Just because I moved back “home” doesn’t mean the depression disappeared overnight, because it didn’t.
It is amazing for me to reflect back to December of last year and compare it to where I am at now with my life, especially with my emotional and mental health. I am grateful to not be the version of me that I was a year ago. However, I am also grateful for being that person because if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be where I am at now.
I am grateful to be in a place of feeling good from the inside out. To not feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. To not feel like I am lying to everyone in my life, including myself. To be living authentically and with love. To be enjoying both the personal and professional parts of my life, even when it isn’t 100% good all the time.
There are still hard days when “the darkness” creeps in, and sadness hits me like a tidal wave. I go days feeling “blah” or “flat” emotionally and not always know why. I am trying to understand, monitor, and manage this side of things. Not avoid it or bottle it up like I tend to do, but to acknowledge and process it in a healthy way. When I can’t handle it on my own I try my best to talk to someone I trust and love about it. I try to actively engage in the things that make me feel better, or engage in things that bring me a sense of peace or joy. Depression is hard. It is something I would never wish on my greatest enemy. It hurts when you have to battle yourself day in and day out. To not recognize who you are or what you have become. For the things you once loved doing to not bring you joy anymore. To feel like your best is never enough for people. To have success but still feel like a failure. To feel damaged and unworthy of love. To have a beautiful life and experiences, but feel nothing or still sad at the end of the day. To feel hopeless because you feel like the dark clouds are never going to clear.
With me I would say I am out of the darkest part of the storm, but I still have a little ways to go in my opinion before I can say I am in a good place and at peace with all of this.
Managing my Depression
This year has been far from perfect or easy. There have been moments, things, and events that made some days this year exceptionally hard for me. Mornings that were hard to get up, nights where I didn’t go to sleep until 3:00am or later, and many nights when all I would eat for dinner was cereal because I had no energy to cook a meal and clean up the mess. I think the reason I have found a way to be happy, even on the hard days now, is because I am not trying to work against the darkness, just trying to work with it and understand it. Acknowledging it when it creeps in, trying to see if there was a trigger involved, and to make sure I do the things that help make it feel lighter.
There are a number of things I do and habits I have been developing throughout this year to help address the depression, and helping it feel lighter on a daily basis. Running has been a great help, and it helps to have my accountability partner and one of my longest friends texting me weekly about when we are going to run together again. Time spent with her is always time well spent!
Making sure I walk and get 10,000 steps everyday, doing yoga often, journaling, praying and meditating, trying to get good sleep on a regular basis when my brain lets me, practicing gratitude, listening to happy music, using my essential oils ALL DAY and EVERYDAY, it all has added up for me. Plus, saying “YES” to life when it comes to doing things that bring me joy like traveling, going to concerts, movies, or events.
I also have to mention having a strong support system in place between my family, friends near and far, and co-workers has been crucial for me. Spending quality time with family and my close girlfriends has been a tremendous help throughout this year. I talk about them all the time, but my “Steel Magnolia” girls are the best! They know every good and bad thing about me, and they have stood by my side through thick and thin the past 10-20 years I have known them.
My long distance friends from different walks of life are wonderful to chat and catch up with. For me hearing about their life gets my mind off my own for a little bit, and I love celebrating all the good things in their life, or helping them through their struggles the best I can. It makes me happy to hear their familiar voice or to see their face.
The different health communities I am involved in, especially my Essential Oils family, also helps me stay feeling good and supported from the inside out on multiple areas of health. Plus, it keeps me focused and motivated on my health.
My coworkers are truly wonderful! I was at a really low point obviously when I started, and things did get worse before they got better this year for me, so they have been around me at my worst so to speak. The kindness they have shown towards me since day one though has been overwhelming in the best way possible. All of them are very supportive of the things I do both professionally and personally. They made my birthday very special by celebrating it all week and taking me to lunch, which was something I wasn’t expecting but loved and appreciated. There are a few that I talk to when things are going on, and weighing on my heart and mind, and I want to get their perspective on it. Sometimes they know something is even going on with me before I do, which is comforting to me that they can tell when my disposition is off, especially since they see me most days out of the week.
You Are Not Alone
I hope that by sharing this part of the journey that people who battle depression know that they are not alone, and that you don’t have to remain unhappy. You deserve to FEEL GOOD, and you have the power to change your life and circumstances.
If you don’t battle depression, but know someone who does or you suspect that they do, I hope the past three post have made you more aware of what an individual may go through, emotions they may be feeling, or signs to look for when it comes to depression.
I graduated with a psychology degree, and some days it is still mind boggling to me how unaware and out of touch I was with my own emotions and symptoms. Depression is different for everyone though, and it shows up in different ways, so my advice is to keep track of your symptoms and don’t underestimate or blow them off.
Sadness is a normal part of life. We have to know what sadness is so that we know what happiness is. However, to feel a deep sadness that is always there and consumes you everyday for weeks on end is not normal.
Denial is a tricky thing as well. I felt guilty admitting I was depressed when logically I had zero reasons for it. I battled myself for almost a year with this concept. The constant, “I am sad but have no reason to be sad” mentality. The guilt you feel when you are depressed is very real in my opinion. I had a job, a place to live, food in my kitchen, decent health, money in my accounts, etc. I had great family and friends near and far. My life wasn’t horrible by any means, but I wasn’t happy. I was miserable, and I was alive but didn’t feel like I was actually living. I would be surrounded by people but felt disconnected. My life looked good and successful from the outside looking in, but on the inside it was a different story entirely.
The first step to recovery or healing is admitting there is a problem, and doing what you can or need to change it in a positive way. To surround yourself with people who love you and bring out the best in you. To choose yourself everyday, and let go of the things that weigh you down. To me what weighed me down the most was running from the depression. Once I admitted it to myself, family and friends, I felt instantly lighter. I think it is because I finally accepted that something was wrong and I was not “okay,” “fine,” or “alright.” Those would be my typical responses when somebody asked me “how I was?” By admitting the truth to myself, I was able to tell the truth and lean into the people that love me, and I was ready to make the changes that would help me feel good again.
I felt selfish in my decision to “move home” in some ways, but at the end of the day I had to choose the path that would be best for me. I couldn’t keep pouring from an empty cup, both professionally and personally, and I had to choose to take care of myself first.
Life is full of choices and hard decisions. At the end of the day we have to choose the path we believe will be best for us. We have to trust and follow our heart even if our mind is saying something different. We have to hope that whatever we decide that it is the right path for us, but if it isn’t we have the power to change it.
It makes me a little nervous and anxious to know that “my truth” and this part of the story is out there now. To take off my mask, let my guard down, get vulnerable, and let everyone see this dark part of the journey.
I know that through publicly admitting my truth with “the darkness” that my healing is going to begin even more so. I know that by getting to this place internally I will be able to give the best parts of me to others more, and that truly does feel good.
Until next time,
