The One Year I Spent in Counseling: Part 2
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed medical doctor or counselor. All of my posts are from my own personal experiences in the areas of my own health and wellness. My posts are meant to inspire you in your health journey, but do not qualify for professional medical advice or diagnosis. Please consult a licensed medical professional or counselor. I cannot be personally held responsible for any advice you take from my blog postings and implement into your life without consulting a medical professional first.
The Arrival:
When I got to the counselors office I found my intake paper work that they mentioned during the scheduling of the appointment on the coffee table in the waiting area. My counselors office is in an older house, which to me is a much more comfortable environment than a typical office setting.
She met me downstairs, and we walked upstairs to her office. During the first few minutes we discussed her paperwork she had me fill out. Basically it was a lot of different waivers, medical histories, and other things like her rescheduling policy. Pretty standard stuff you would fill out at any Doctor office.
During the conversation we primarily talked about what specifically brought me in and and to this point of getting help. As you read in the “One Year I Spent in Counseling: Part 1” this was my sister’s divorce, and how it was causing me anxiety within my own relationship especially with how we were moving in together in a month.
She asked a lot of questions, not of the situation fully, but mainly about my past experiences.
She had asked me about my experiences with depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicide, sexual abuse, etc. From what I have read, and experienced the last time I attended counseling, this was a fairly standard first appointment.
“I think so often we do not want to open up about our past, but to truly heal we have to go back to the beginning.”
It was hard to share my soul and my inner demons with someone I had just met. To talk about moments from my past that I had never talked about with anyone or with a very select few. However, I knew mentally and emotionally I was in pain and that the only way I could get better was to be brave and open up in the initial appointment and the whole counseling experience.
With my EAP benefits from my employer I was able to attend three counseling sessions free of charge. After that I confirmed with my insurance of what my copay would be, which for me was thankfully a very affordable cost. Financially I could afford and attend two sessions a month.
The First Few Sessions:
The first few sessions were slow but important. At times I would wish I could have had an additional hour, because I felt like we were not progressing through conversation fast enough in terms of topics we would and should cover. However, it was important that my counselor got to know me, and to help me take proactive steps in changing my perspective.
The biggest thing we were discussing the first few sessions was my anxiety about my boyfriend moving in, and my sisters divorce.
At that point in life I had lived alone for six years. My boyfriend had stayed the night every weekend since we started dating. We had vacationed for a week together, and he almost stayed at my house for a full two weeks at the end of the year. Between the combination of these experiences and our discussions about the future, I knew it was the next step in our relationship and one I wanted to take with him.
So why was I so anxious?
For me I have always believed and seen moving in together as big of a commitment as marriage. So to be moving in together was a very big choice and decision, and is something I took very seriously.
To be making such a big choice in life in the wake of my sister getting a divorce was a lot to handle. Combining that with our wedding tour through the end of May and first part of June, it was all paralyzing to me.
“I was taking on all the emotions of my sisters marriage falling apart, witnessing marriages coming together, and knowing I was making a move that I saw as a precursor to marriage. Time was moving forward, relationships were blossoming and ending, and I felt completely stuck in cement in the black hole of my mind at the time.”
In my anxious mind all I kept thinking about was that what happened to my sister was going to happen to me. I kept obsessing over how do I make sure that does not happen to my relationship. Mostly, how do I protect myself from pain and getting hurt.
“The more I tried to protect myself, the more anxious I felt, and the more disconnected I felt from my partner and everyone else.”
Throughout the three sessions I was able to work through a lot of where my anxiety was coming from, which was a place of fear.
Fear is a funny emotion. It helps us survive in a life and death situations, but it also holds us back. For me it was not just the fear of getting hurt, but also the fear of things working out and my daily life changing. At that point in life I knew what living alone was like, and I was comfortable with it. There was a lot of unknown that was associated with my boyfriend and his two cats moving in when it came to my daily life.
I think what really helped me be and feel okay come moving day was having faith.
Faith in my relationship and the foundation we built, faith in our choice that we made to move in together, and faith in myself as well as talking through things with a counselor.
The On-Going Journey:
After my initial three appointments I kept going to see my counselor. Sometimes once a month, and sometimes twice. It really depends on what I am going through and if I feel the extra need of a second appointment in a month. Once I was out of my initial anxiety, my counselor helped me with adjusting to life with my partner and us living together. I would say after the first six months of living together when I thought back to everything, the only thing I thought about was “why was I so anxious again?”
Throughout the past six months my sessions have been going deeper into my past and childhood. Things that happened in childhood I never processed, or thought I had but found out I had not during a counseling session. Relationships of all kinds that I thought I was at peace with but realized I was not.
“Our past affects our present self so much, especially things that were traumatic to us as individuals when we were young or any age really.”
Through counseling I have realized how my relationship with my family affected my relationship with my boyfriend. How highly sensitive I am with other people’s emotions. How to talk myself off of what I call my “ledge” when it comes to my anxious thoughts and emotions. How to work through a phase of depression I refer to as my “funk” quicker than I would on my own. Not only have I been able to manage things better in both of these areas, but I feel like I have been in more of a normal mental state over the past year than I have in many years.
“As a society we need to get to a place that if we are not feeling good mentally we call and make an appointment with a counselor at the same urgency we would a Doctor when we have have a broken bone.”
We also need mental health resources more accessible to the masses, and for it to be more affordable to those with lower socioeconomic status.
I am forever grateful for the accessibility I have to receive counseling services at an affordable cost through my employer, and recognize what a privilege it is.
I am also forever grateful to have a supportive partner. His love for me is what really helped me get the help I needed.
My own individual issues were affecting our relationship, and it was my responsibility to address them for the sake of our relationship.
“My partners love and my love for him is what got me in the door, but the love I have for myself is what kept me going throughout the year.”
Counseling works, but for it to work you have dedicate yourself and put in the work, time, and yes finances.
Trust me when I say it will be well worth your time and energy, because my friend, regardless of what your brain tells you everyday you ARE worth it.
Much love and until next time,
