Relationships and Mental Illness-How depression impacts mine
Photo by Alex Ivashenko on Unsplash; Design by Jodie Parris
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed medical doctor or counselor. All of my posts are from my own personal experiences in the areas of my own health and wellness. My posts are meant to inspire you in your health journey, but do not qualify for professional medical advice or diagnosis. Please consult a licensed medical professional or counselor. I cannot be personally held responsible for any advice you take from my blog postings and implement into your life without consulting a medical professional first.
When I was in elementary school I knew I processed things differently then most of my peers. I often felt a great sense of isolation and that there was a barrier between me and them. The realization of this hit me one day while I was playing outside with my friends, like an outer body experience. I realized I felt nothing. I didn’t feel joy, wonder, or like I was even alive. What 10 year old child feels like that?
Even in my mid-thirties I still feel this barrier (most of the time), but unlike childhood I finally have a name for it…..depression.
Growing up from the outside looking in most people didn’t know about the mental struggles I faced. Like most millennials having parents from a generation that never talked about their feelings, I was often told not to burden others with how I was feeling. Naturally, when I battled my first big battle with depression, and those feelings left me feeling alone to a point that I felt my lack of existence wouldn’t phase a single person, I didn’t tell anyone.
Like most people with mental illness, I put on a brave face and faked it until I made it, and hid my true form from everyone.
Sometimes feelings of joy came from actual reality, or make believe in my imagination. Day dreaming of a moment I wanted in life someday, or imaging a different life altogether, like dating a Jonas Brother. So much of what I found myself imaging involved being in love with someone. Growing up this fantasy lead me to thinking love and a relationship would solve all my internal issues and struggles. After all, that’s what happened in Disney movies right? A handsome prince came and saved the girl, and all in life made sense again for her.
Throughout the years I have come to realize that my relationships with others is the biggest target for my depression to steal joy from.
When I first started dating my husband I realized just how much my depression impacted my relationship with another human being.
Things would be going amazing and I would feel so good, but when my depression started to flare up it would make me feel so shaky and like something was wrong in the relationship. This feeling left me feeling like I was neurotic and crazy, especially in the first few years of our relationship.
I would get so insecure because of the things my depression would tell me like…
“You aren’t enough”
“He is better off without you.”
“Something is off and wrong in the relationship.”
“You are unlovable and don’t deserve to be loved.”
“He is gonna leave you because you are too emotional and hard to deal with.”
Managing depression, and anxiety, made it so hard for me to fall in love and trust it. My brain was always telling me that something bad was gonna happen, and it would steal all the joy and peace I felt in that moment in time.
Depression is a leach that sucks all the good out of your life, and makes you feel completely disconnected with people. It makes you question your value and worth to them, in life, and if they will all be better off without you.
Throughout the past ten or so years of learning and understanding my depression, I have always found it attacks the relationships in my life first. Not just my marriage, but also my childhood friends that I have been friends with for over 20 years with. The people I am closest with is who depression wants to isolate me from.
The realization of how (my) depression presents its way in relationships was really mind opening because I finally started to understand it. These are some of my biggest joys in life so of course depression attacks them first, because it wants to cut me off from them and feel all alone.
Sometimes I catch on to the depression right away, but sometimes it takes a few hard days (weeks) for me to finally connect the dots.
When my depression has been doing a number on me the best way I have found to get reconnected is to simply talk about it. Typically my sweet husband is the first, and sometimes only person, I mention my struggles with. He is a HUGE part of my life, so obviously depression will attack that relationship first.
However, even in my close friendships just simply saying I am struggling makes me feel connected again.
Maybe it’s the act of voicing my feelings, and allowing myself to be vulnerable and open that makes my depression stop being so loud.
When we open ourselves up to the people we love, especially if it’s a relationship you feel safe in, it brings you closer to that person and ensures you feel less isolated. When managing depression while also managing life’s many relationships, it’s crucial to stay open and vulnerable with the people you love. You have to let them in to help you, even if your depression is trying to keep them out.
The first time I talked with my husband about my internal struggles it was one of the scariest day of my life, because in that moment I was chancing my depression being right. However, he surprised me with how supportive he was with it, and built trust with me throughout the years in knowing he is a safe space I can voice my real feelings too.
Struggling with anything people don’t see is hard and isolating, but it’s only as isolating as we let it be.
Until next time,
