The one year I spent in Counseling-Part 1

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed medical doctor or counselor. All of my posts are from my own personal experiences in the areas of my own health and wellness.  My posts are meant to inspire you in your health journey, but do not qualify for professional medical advice or diagnosis. Please consult a licensed medical professional or counselor. I cannot be personally held responsible for any advice you take from my blog postings and implement into your life without consulting a medical professional first. 

I can not believe how quick this month has gone by! It seems like it just started, and now we are going into the last weekend of the month of June, and soon heading into the dog days of summer.
Our vacation is in three weeks, and even amongst all that is going on in the world, we are going to take a chance of having a safe and healthy vacation.
It will be different than what we planned at the start of the year, but it will still be a nice getaway full of quality time and fun with my boyfriend. We have not been to the beach in two years, and are excited to take a trip together since it has been over a year since we got to travel anywhere.

Thinking back to last June I was in a much different place emotionally.

“The feeling I was feeling snuck up slowly, but also suddenly. It took me by surprise, and without even being aware of it had completely consumed me. It was anxiety…it was depression…and it was an absolute living nightmare.”

The Backstory:

Earlier last year my family got news that completely turned our world upside down. I had referenced to this in my prior post, “Boundaries are Important,” but did not go into full detail. My brother- in-law who was a part of my family for ten years told my sister that he was done, and wanted out. It stunned us all, especially since they had the most beautiful baby girl six months prior.

All of us were heartbroken for my sister. Her and her amazing daughter were dealt a hand they never deserved. However, if there is anything I have learned throughout life it is that some of the hardest and trying times help you change your life in the biggest and most beautiful ways. I certainly think and believe this for my sister and her daughter. Even though the pain was astronomical, I choose to believe that there is a bigger reason behind it all, and that maybe both of their lives will be better off in the long run for it.

In the beginning, and all of last year, it was messy and emotionally heavy for the whole family. There was confusion and heartbreak all around, anger and frustration towards the situation, and we all dealt with it in our own ways. Some ways were healthy and others were not. All of us were stepping up trying to help my sister and her daughter the best we could. However, I realized a few months after everything that I was not okay.

Before the start of last year, my boyfriend and I were talking about moving in together. We felt it was the most natural progression in our relationship, and it was a step we both wanted to take. We had just celebrated our one year anniversary about six weeks before my brother-in-law walked out on his marriage with my sister.

“I felt guilty that as my relationship was progressing, my sister marriage was ending. How could I be happy for myself, but still have empathy for her situation and be there for her emotionally?”

The Turning Point:

Last summer was the year of weddings for us. We were going to four weddings in a five week time frame.
Our second and furthest wedding was for a friend of mine who lives up in Virginia.
It was a six plus hour car ride, but we enjoyed it and it was a beautiful drive. It was a quick trip of three days, but we ate at some delicious restaurants and got to play some disc golf.
The ceremony was breathtaking, and I cried the entire time from start to finish. I absolutely love when I see a love story in real life happen, and to me weddings are that fairytale brought to life.

Even though I was enjoying the quality time with my boyfriend, and time away from everything going on in life, I just felt off when it came to my relationship and connection to my partner.

This feeling made me question everything. Is he really who I think he is? Should we move in together still? Should I break up with him?

“I felt like I had an invisible wall and barrier up emotionally when it came to him, and just felt disconnected from the joy he gives to me and brings to my life. I had been feeling this feeling for a few weeks, but had not acknowledged it and just thought our trip would magically fix it. I just did not understand it or where it was coming from. All I knew was that I wanted to run away and just crawl under a rock and stay there.”

The trip did help but not in the way I thought it would.

I had gotten gluten in my system, and got really sick on the night of the wedding. My only thought is that the food I got from the buffet line may have been cross contaminated with gluten. It happens, and it is part of life with Celiac Disease, but it still never fun to get glutened.

After I had gotten sick a few times, I knew I needed to eat something just to calm down my stomach, and so I would not be hungry hours later when I was trying to sleep. My boyfriend ended up driving to three different Wendy’s trying to get me a baked potato, but each one was out of them, so he ended up going to a Kroger and got me some gluten free english muffins to heat up in the microwave.

I was in awe, and overwhelmed with his act of love for me that night. I also felt completely worthless and full of guilt for feeling like I needed to put up this wall and barrier around my heart when it came to him and our relationship. For questioning our relationship, and the person that he is.

“He did not deserve that invisible barrier I was putting up or the thoughts that were racing in my mind. I also did not deserve to feel the way I was feeling.”

The next morning after we had loaded up the car and started our drive out of Virginia, I told him that I thought I needed to talk to someone and get some help. I could not fully explain it at the time, but all I knew is that it had something to deal with my sisters divorce.

Getting connected with a Counselor:

After we returned home, that following week I reached out to the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) network through my work. They had just partnered up with a company at the start of the year, and I knew it was something I was interested in utilizing should I need it.
I had used EAP when I lived in Georgia, and went to a few counseling sessions prior to moving home to North Carolina. In my nine month reflection in my “Journey Home Series,” which I have yet to finish, I discuss about my battle with depression during my life in Georgia. In Part 2 of the nine month reflection I discuss what led me to my first appointment with a counselor.

I think last year what made it a little easier with asking and getting help was because I had already gone through that process before in life. However, it is still hard to admit to yourself, and to others, that you are not okay and need some extra help through a situation.

The day I called the network was a rough day. I was at work, and I had to explain in a phone intake, which is fairly standard, what was going on and why I was calling them.
All I had identified at that point was that I was having a hard time processing my sisters divorce, and that I felt it was affecting my relationship with my own partner in a negative way.
I was holding back tears during the whole phone call and my voice was cracking from holding back the sobbing that wanted to overtake me. I think this was the first time I had truly cried following the news of my sisters divorce, and physically felt all the pain that I was emotionally feeling for the past two months.

The person from the network said they had found a counselor in my network with my health insurance, that also did EAP, should I decide to continue going to counseling after my free sessions. I knew that my mental health was something I wanted and needed to invest both time and money into given the many years I had been struggling to survive and understand it.

A few hours later, the counselor called and said she had an opening that afternoon. It was not a busy day at work for me, so I went and asked my upper supervisor if I could leave for the afternoon. I knew from my prior first counseling appointment in Georgia that there was a 99% chance I would cry during the whole appointment, and just be emotionally wiped out afterwards, so returning to work was not a feasible thought.
She gave me the clearance to go that afternoon and to take care of myself.

So I got into my car and started the thirty minute drive to the counselors office. This gave me plenty time to think and attempt to collect my feelings and thoughts on what all I was going to say. I knew some of the questions that they would ask me would be about my family history, how long I had been feeling the way I had been, and what specifically was going on and brought me into their office.

Find out what happened after I arrived at the counselors office, and what all I have learned during the one year I have spent in counseling in my next post.

Until next time,